I’ve not been feeling up for writing this week, and as hard as I try I can’t craft a proper post with any kind of lesson. I know that writing can help me come unstuck, and that getting words on a page can start to fuel my creativity. But I’m stuck in a catch 22, where I need to write for inspiration but I need inspiration before I start to write.
Does anyone else get this?
Thinking that anything would be better than staring at a blinking cursor on a screen, I started to just write out how I feel. Aha, a blog post. It’s not the best thing I’ve ever written, but it’s where I am right now. And I’m going to be kind to myself, and let that be enough.
So here’s a list of what’s in my head this week; my frustrations and my dreams.
I’m fed up of feeling stuck, of not knowing what to do to move forward, of not knowing how I can best contribute to the world.
I’m fed up of being a prisoner of my anxious brain, which makes me hide from the world. It tells me “if you say what you think people will think you’re stupid.” It says “it doesn’t matter how long you procrastinate on twitter, nothing else you do will make a difference anyway.” It stops me reaching out to friends for fear of rejection.
I’m fed up of reading things that make me feel shame, that I’m doing life wrong. I am a procrastinating, sugar eating, mostly-monogamous woman with a lot of clothes and zero interest in pushing myself to exercise more than feels comfortable. I don’t want to travel the world and I don’t want to run my own business. I’m fed up of reading things that tell me I’m doing life wrong.
I’m fed up of feeling ashamed for being emotional. If we’re talking about something important I will almost certainly start to cry. This means I care. I’m not going to care less to make you feel less uncomfortable.
I’m fed up of being at the mercy of my cravings, of being covered in chocolate crumbs and never truly hungry.
I don’t want this.
I want to help people. I want to build things that I’m proud of. I want forward momentum in my life.
I want to feel proud, badass and focused.
I want to laugh a lot, have a shit ton of energy and feel happy in my body.
I want to be the friend that you turn to when things get rough. I want to give real talk and great hugs.
I want technology to be my tools and not my master.
I want to feel at home in my own company.
I want to only have conversations that energise and inspire. I want to leave people feeling better than when I found them.
I want to share who I am with the people that I know.
I want to be silly, pull faces and put things on my head.
I want to entertain.
I want to throw the best parties.
I want to get out of my rut and live the creative life I was born to live.
And I want to help others to do the same.